And so it goes

That day at Abundant Life Chapel I met the Holy Spirit and I never was the same.  When I got home that day I was very excited to tell my parents what happened.  Unfortunately, at that time, my father was not as open as he is now, and I got what felt like a lecture on "Emotionalism" and it's lack of importance in church.  I was crushed and angry.  I didn't buy into what he said.  I thought God created emotions, why not use them to worship him?  I was increasingly unhappy at my church where the only movement I saw during worship was standing and turning hymnal pages and then sitting again.  I attended ALC many more times before Monica and I switched schools and saw each other less and less.  But I'll never ever forget the love her family showed me.  I would say perhaps their love and acceptance was what kept me from being frightened and turned off by what I saw at their church.  I knew I was safe with them.

After I graduated from High School I went through some bad times with God and life (maybe I'll talk about all that another day), but found myself back in church seeking more from God.  I knew that what I had been doing all my life was not satisfying me.  I have told people that I knew all about God, but didn't actually get to know God until I turned 18 and left my parents' church and sought Him on my own.  I visited a Vineyard or 2, I attended a Calvary Chapel for a little bit, but I ended up at People's Church in their college group under Mike Chastain.  There I went through some major growth and exploration of the Trinity.  It was a wonderful time of life.  I began to learn about the gifts of the spirit and their use in the body.  I was prophesied over there and told that God would use my life experience (which was greater than it should have been by then) by giving me the gift of discerning spirits.  I really had no idea at that time what that really meant, and now only know a fraction of what it means, but I believe that to be true.  It goes along with the prophetic for me.  I was prayed over by my friends who were so gung-ho and full of zeal.  They prayed that I would be given the gift of tongues.  They encouraged me to speak it out, but it didn't happen for me.  There have been a few times when I have felt like there was something strange on the tip of my tongue, waiting to be spoken, but it has not happened for me yet.  If God wants to do that with me he can...  

While attending there I still felt torn.  As I look back now it was almost a battle over my life.  I was falling deeply in love with God and made the mistake of thinking I was ready for love on earth as well.  Then my focus turned to a guy.  I felt like I was being pulled from one end by God and another end by my emotions and lust.  I can talk more about that later.

Eventually, I ended up looking to God to meet my needs.  I ended up back in an MB church, which was just crazy to me.  But in my defense it was a contemporary plant that looked nothing like the church I grew up in.  It had a worship band.  This is where Chris and I met again.  (We went to High School together but he was focused on someone else.  If you have been at TFH you may have heard his story.)  Anyway, I still hadn't learned my lesson and we ended up pregnant and engaged and looking for a new place to worship that had young families like we were.  Chris had heard about a place called The Father's House that an old friend had been attending, so we thought we'd go and give it a try.  As we were  driving up we agreed, "If we see one couple that's our age and has kids we'll stay here at this church."  As soon as we said this I turned and looked at the entrance as Todd and Melanie Anderson were walking up with their daughter....

I will continue this story tomorrow.  :)

The Holy Spirit Says Hello

So I went to Abundant Life Chapel with the Daniels family.  (I don't remember if this was 8th grade or 9th grade.)  Since Charlie was the worship leader we went early for worship team practice.  They had a band and a choir.  Shirley, Monica's mom, was an alto like me and Monica was a soprano.  They asked if I wanted to sing with them in the choir.  I was a little shocked, but said, "Sure!"  I sat next to Shirley and followed along with her strong and beautiful alto voice.  It was a lot of fun.  So we practiced and then put on robes and took our places on stage.  (I don't remember every detail, but this is how it went in general.)  So the service started and we sang a song or two and people were raising hands and singing out to God and swaying in the isles (all of which was not the norm in my MB church), then all of a sudden a woman sitting with the congregation stood up and spoke in tongues in a loud voice so everyone could hear.  I had never heard anything like it in my life.  It was odd and wonderful.  Then when she sat down, it was quiet for a minute.  Then someone else stood up and interpreted the word from the Lord.  I was amazed.  The words were loving and called to his children to come to him.  I was overwhelmed with the feeling of what I now know as the Holy Spirit filling me and swirling around me.  I was brought to tears.  I tried hard to continue to sing with the choir and hold back my emotion since I was in front of the whole congregation.  But I was completely overwhelmed by God.

I will continue sharing my journey next time.

The Next Step

I realize that you have been on pins and needles waiting to read more of my story on becoming charismatic.  Sorry I wasn't able to sit and blog yesterday.

So we already looked at my MB background.  The summer before my 8th grade year (1986) my family and I moved to Madera Ranchos.  It was there on the first day of school at Webster Elementary (K-8) that I met a girl who, along with her family, would have great influence over my spiritual path.  Her name was Monica Daniels.  (Some of you may know of her father Charlie Daniels, of the music store that once was in Fresno.)  I became great friends with her and began to hang out a lot at her home.  Her family was so loving to me.  Her mother has a true servant's heart that I can only attempt to emulate.  Her father (and mother) were so grounded in their faith.  Everything came back to God.  Everything was about and for God.  It was openly discussed and real to them.  I felt at peace and truly loved unconditionally when I was with them.  Then I was invited to go to church with them one day.  Somehow I was allowed to go.  That sounds weird, but it was very important to my parents that we go to church as a family every Sunday, and sometimes Sunday nights, and most Wednesday nights.  (Actually, the commitment to meeting with the body is one excellent thing instilled in me by my parents.  I was raised to make it a priority over everything else.  When I went to look for a job I was taught that I had to stand firm in scheduling to not work on Sundays.  My dad told me that any job worth having would allow me to go to church and would see that as an asset, rather than a problem.  I have always been up front when looking for a job to let them know that church meetings are a priority.  It has never stopped me from getting a job, that I know of.)  But for some reason I didn't know if my parents would let me go to church with a friend, but after asking a couple of times and assuring them that they were protestant like us, I was allowed to go.  (That's how I remember it anyway.  There may have been no issues at all with letting me go, knowing she was protestant and not mormon like some of my other friends who invited me to dances.)  Anyway, I went to Abundant Life Chapel with the Daniels' one Sunday.  And the rest, they say, is history.

I will continue this story later today I hope...

The start of my journey

So I am reading this book Convergence: Spiritual Journeys of a Charismatic Calvinist and it has gotten me thinking about my own spiritual journey.

I was raised in the Mennonite Brethren church.  I am a half-breed.  I don't mean that as a bad thing, just a fact.  My dad's side is all of German Mennonite Brethren descent.  So I got to grow up with a good Mennonite name (Kliewer).  But my mom is half Yugoslavian (one old lady vehemently said we are Croatian when she heard the family name) and the other half is a mix of German (High, not Low like the MB side, as my great-grandma pointed out with disdain when my mom told her my dad's last name), and some other stuff, I forget.  My mom was raised Catholic and converted to protestant when she began dating my dad and going to an MB church with him.  Of course, when people came up and played the MB Name Game with her (Who are your parents dear?  What's your last name?  Matulich? Uh...Uh.... That's not a Mennonite name, is it.)

she didn't fit.

(Isn't it funny how important names and family lines are to people?  How come people are so proud of their family lines, when it was completely out of their control what family they be born into?  They boast for something that really had nothing to do with them, but more with the sovereignty of God, if anything.  Strange.)

So, anyway, that is some of my family background.  If you don't know about the Anabaptist Mennonite Brethren I would encourage you to look into their history.  It's good to know about other denominations and belief systems.  You will also get a clue about why Chris and I have so many "Hippy" stickers on our van.  Check out this site for a little history in a nutshell - 

http://www.anabaptists.org/history/mennohist.html

Tomorrow I will continue the story of my journey to becoming a charismatic.

Same old same old...

(Heavy sigh as she sits down to blog).  Art Therapy?  I can't even get a degree in this town to do that.  What about that?  What the heck?  My options are so limited here in Fresno.  But isn't this where God has me right now?  So what is his plan?  Do I trudge on getting some degree or other here in Fresno?  Do I wait until Chris is done and look for a school in a different town?  Do I just assume that since it will be next to impossible for me to get a degree here in Fresno that will allow me to be an Art Therapist that it is not within God's plan for me to do that?  There's that dang logic again.  Was it logical when he told those fishermen to drop what they were doing and follow him, into the total unknown, with no sensible way to get income, just because it was Him that called them out?  That's completely illogical.  I'm OK with that.  I don't have to function with logic.  I just need to hear that voice saying, "Follow me this way, Kim."  I will follow.  I promise.  Tell me what to do!  I'll cast my net wherever you tell me, Lord.

I'm slipping

I was just staring at my daughter's closet for no apparent reason and realized, as I looked at all the pink shirts she has, that I am not as OCD as I used to be.  I must be slipping in my old age.  I used to organize my closet first by type of clothing (short sleeved shirts, long sleeved shirts, tank tops, dresses, skirts, etc.) and then also by color (blues, reds, whites, blacks, etc.).  Well I happen to know that right now as I type not only are my clothes all mixed up in the color category, but I also have a long sleeved shirt hung in the middle of my short sleeved shirts.  I know this because I hung it up last night before bed.  I had several short sleeved shirts and one long sleeved shirt and didn't feel like taking the time to put the one shirt with the other long sleeved shirts.  Perhaps because I know this, and care, I still am as OCD as ever.  I don't think so though because while I will probably eventually put that LS shirt with the others next time I look in my closet, I couldn't care less that the colors are all jumbled.  They can mingle.  It's OK.  I don't care.  Really.

Tell me what to do God....

I was writing to a friend just now and realized that I was just pouring out my thoughts and decided I could just post that here.  It is my dilemma for the day, week, month, year....

I graduate next semester with my BA in Art.  I could be done and go look for whatever lame job I can find here in Fresno.  Or I could do a masters program at CSUF.  That's affordable, but the Art program is really lame.  I could do a different program, but I haven't found one there that excites me.  What I really would do if money were no issue would be to go to seminary here in Fresno and do the Marriage, Family and Children Counseling MA program and get certified to be a therapist.  The program is I think like $25,000.  I could get some grants and scholarships but would probably rack up at least $20,000 in debt.  This is on top of the $20,000 I already have from stupid decisions and being poor and living on school loans years ago.  So if I'm going by logic I have to ask myself if the debt is really worth it.  I'm leaning toward yes.  I think my income would triple if I became a therapist vs. getting a job with my art degree.  BUT it's scary.  I want to buy a house someday and I don't want to live in debt forever.  So the thought of all that debt is overwhelming.  If I knew that God wanted me to do that, and would take care ot it for me, then I could walk into it without guilt.  I just don't hear anything right now.  No yes and no no.  I looked into the CSUF Psych or Counseling degrees, but the programs in the catalog are vague and confusing.  Plus I really want to go to seminary for the biblical study and application to the degree program.  I really want to counsel froma strong biblical perspective.  I would not get this at CSUF.  I would have to try to get that part on my own if I went there.

SO, it sounds like I know what I want to do.  I just need to know God is saying it's OK for me to do...

Here I am God. It's me, Kim.

So, I have joined the masses and now have my own blog.  Why, you ask.  I am currently reading Creating a Life Worth Living to try and figure out what in the blazes I am gonna do with my life.  It says that I should do something like this for 15 minutes a day to clear my mind, let thoughts flow, and listen to myself.  Doing a blog, or keeping a journal, also allows me to look back at what moronic blabber I spilled forth and try to make heads or tails of it all, find patterns, etc. to help me figure myself out.  I dunno.  It's an exercise for me.  It is also an exercise in letting go of perfectionism.  This 15 minutes a day exercise can not be ruled by perfectionism or it does not work.  It has to be free flowing.  So, you may enjoy some interesting (or not interesting) ramblings form my crazy brain as I maunder on and on here.  I may do some stream of consciousness writings, I may just talk about whatever topic is filling my brain at the moment I sit down in front of my computer.  It's a new adventure for me as I let the imagination flow like a river and take me where it will...