A quote to ponder

Came across an interesting quote today:
"Christians love to correct other people. But an appropriate prophetic attitude for a renewed and faithful church will begin with the recognition that we can only effectively challenge others to follow the way of Christ if we are continually hearing God's voice for ourselves, and allowing our own understandings to be changed in the process. We have something to share with others not because we are different, but because we are no different, and we can become credible witnesses not as we condemn others and dismiss what we regard as their inadequate spiritualities, but as we constantly listen to the gospel and appropriate its challenges in our own lives." - John Drane

I'm a growing tree...

Howdy friends. It has certainly been a while. I haven't felt like I have had anything to blog about for some reason even though I have gone through a lot of changes in these past few months. Life is such a process...

As most of you probably know, I am now a grad student attending MB Biblical Seminary here in Fresno. I am so so happy to be there. I am learning so much already. If you want to know what has really hit home for me pick up Dissident Discipeship by David Augsberger and read at least the intro and first chapter. If you are not drawn in and wanting to continue reading then we are in two different places. (Which is OK.) For me, reading this has been an "A-ha!" experience. I have known that I have held to some beliefs, but didn't really know why, or wasn't able to express it all, but Augsberger really put my beliefs to words I guess. I'm not done with it, but I am really enjoying it so far. I am gaining an understanding of myself, which is truly great.

This last weekend was the Seminary's Fall retreat. We went up to Camp Keola and it was a wonderful time. Almost the whole family went. (Kanada went with the youth group on their retreat to Morro Bay.) It was so nice to be in the mountains and so nice to build relationships with fellow students. Sunday morning service was AMAZING for me. I could feel the Spirit so sweetly and I was a little overwhelmed. I couldn't see a box of tissue anywhere so I held back my emotion a little, but it was alright. We were in the presence of the Divine as a community and took part in the Eucharist and it was a beautiful time. It filled my cup.

I will try to blog more often. I think I have been getting my feelings out in little snippets on Facebook and so haven't known what else to say here. Oh well. I'm still alive and kicking if you were wondering.

Fuzzy Discourse

My mind is a blur. I feel like God is trying to communicate with me but there's a layer of static enveloping the message and fuzzing it up. Can you hear it too? Like a record that has reached the end, but keeps spinning and hissing "sssshhhhhhhhsshhhhhshh..."

Here's what I know - very little. OK, but here's what I have - Chris and I have been going through some old boxes of papers and "stuff" that have been cluttering the garage forever. Chris came across two envelopes. One had my name written in my handwriting, one had his name in his handwriting, both with cards inside. Inside my card I had written simply "Isaiah 42." Inside Chris's he had written "Isaiah 42:1-4." Neither of us recall when the heck we wrote this down and sealed it up, nor why we did it, but there we found it years later. So I looked it up. Then as I read, I recalled how I had gotten this passage once upon a time and really felt like God was trying to tell me something through it back then. Even at that time when I first received it, it was unclear just what the message was, though I had some thoughts on it. Now I read it again as this vague sense of déjà vu came over me.
Anyone want to read it and tell me their thoughts?

And - I was just recalling how fairly recently I felt like there was "an exodus" coming. (I think I even declared so on facebook.) Not really sure what it meant, but I was very excited about it. I thought at the time it might mean an exodus from my dry "dessert" time, but now I'm thinking maybe it wasn't an exodus from the dessert, but rather from Egypt into the dessert. If I spend 40 years here I will truly die.
If that's where I am though, I do think I'm getting my daily manna. So... perhaps I overreacted and I won't die after all.
I'm ready for the roller coaster to stop.

Logic Is Loud

God was talking to me about faith this morning. I think my faith is in question. Not the big picture faith that saves me from hell, but the day-to-day faith that allows me to step out and risk while I'm here on earth. I have no doubt that God has a plan, that God is in control, that I will not find myself and my family begging on the street. But do I have the faith that would allow me to move to a new city with no real job or even just a part-time job if I knew that God had plans for me and my family there? I'd like to think so. I'm quick to say, "Yes! I'll do whatever you tell me." But am I allowing myself to hear an out-of-the-box request (if it existed)? I don't know.

But man, logic is loud, you know? It can really get in the way sometimes I think. It tells me that God would give me a clear view of how our bills will be paid if we were to be told to go somewhere. Logic says I can't move my family across the U.S., or even across California, unless we have either one full-time or two part-time jobs lined up first. (Am I lacking faith?) We pass up applying for some awesome sounding jobs because they don't pay nearly enough for us to survive in the city they are located in (like a part-time job in Burbank that pays a max of $12,000). And pastors have passed us up for the same reason (at least that's what they say), because they can't afford to pay us enough because we have a large-ish family, so they just say sorry, without even attempting to see if there is another way. I've been telling myself that God will work it out. If the ability to pay bills is not apparent, then it must not be God's will for us. But, HELLO! The ability to pay our bills is not apparent here in Fresno right now either. So what does that mean? It's not God's will for us to stay here either?

I'm so weary. This search for our "path" is so tiring. At what point do we just get jobs at McDonalds or wherever will hire us?

We are hanging on to a thread of hope still. Not the hope in the big picture. We have a firm grasp on that hope. I mean the hope that the path will just appear before us, that the perfect plan will be revealed, and that it won't involve taking "a" job, but rather "the" job that was meant for us. Is it OK to keep hoping for that?

So, faith is being sure of what we hope for, but isn't that really talking about the big picture hope, rather than the day-to-day hope? I don't know... I think faith is required to be sure of both kinds of hope.

At this moment I feel sure of very little...
(Thanks for letting me ramble.)

What's withering away?

Some of the house plants are dying. They are in the living room where we spend most of our time. One sits about 3 or 4 feet from the stupid TV that gets stared at a lot. Yet, there it sits dying. It hasn't been tended to as it should have. It didn't get watered many times. I wonder how many other things in my life are dying due to neglect, even though they are right under my nose...

Christ's Body

In his blog, John Mark McMillan was saying:

"Why do church people focus so much on the cross when Jesus' death was actually powerless without the resurrection? (at least that's what the Bible says in 1 Corinthians 15:13)

If Christians taught more on resurrection than death, would Christianity be more interesting? Or maybe Christians might be more interesting people? Would I be more interesting?

Do we focus more on death because we don't really understand resurrection?

What if I focused on living resurrection instead of mostly talking about it and singing about it?

What if I don't have to wait until I die to be resurrected but my body, which dies a little everyday, could be resurrected every day?"

And I've been reading Rob Bell's book Jesus Wants to Save Christians. In it he talks about the church actually being the Eucharist. I've been pondering this all as I look at various churches and their websites and what they are about. Some churches practice the Eucharist every week. Some do not mention it at all.
This is all very interesting to me.

Does practicing the Eucharist keep our focus on Jesus' death and our sin? Or does it point to the life we can live as the resurrected?

I do think that practicing the Eucharist every week does build community ties if it's done in a manner that would cause us to be in contact with each other. I mean breaking bread and drinking wine/juice across the table from someone really brings it to "Jesus did this for US" rather than "Jesus died for ME." I think how you execute communion is key. But I don't really know. I'm just thinking it through.

I would like a season of having it every week I think.
But John Mark was right, we focus too much on the death rather than living the resurrected life every day, living like Jesus no matter what.

I don't know. I've been sitting on this for days, but my thoughts still aren't fully formed. I'm kind of living in a daze right now.

Anyone else have any profound, or otherwise, thoughts on this?

School Daze

So I realize I haven't blogged in a while. I've been wrapped up in so much, and I sit down to post something, but end up staring at the screen for 5 minutes trying to think of something profound. It doesn't happen and I close the screen once more. Well, I still don't have anything profound.

I just counted it up and I only have 27 more days that I have classes to attend before I graduate. It still sounds like a lot to me. I hope I can get through without dropping the ball. I'm feeling pretty weary right now. One day at a time, though. One day at a time. I have 2 big tests next week, one with a take-home essay. I'm not looking forward to that. Actually my statistics class doesn't bother me nearly as much as my Art History class. What's wrong with that picture? I'm really not into being tested on Pre-Columbian Andean Art. I just don't give a rip right now. I have so much to memorize before next Thursday, and I have taken every excuse to not study. Aah. I just need to squeak by. I don't need the class to graduate. It's just "for fun." So much for that.
Apparently I'm in a whiny mood. Sorry.

I'll be fine. No worries. I just had to complain a little. Now I can buck up, and hop to, and make it happen. I'd be a little disappointed if I didn't continue my straight A streak I've had for the last 7 semesters, but it wouldn't kill me. :-)

Coffee. Lots of coffee...

An Existential Meltdown

I grew up with the notion that God and his angels started off all happy up in heaven, and then one day one angel decided he was as good as God and ruined everything. He chose to go against God and evil was born. He was banished to hell, along with anyone who followed him. From then on there were the Trinity and the good angels in heaven, and Lucifer became "the devil," or Satan, and had all his fallen angels, also known as demons, with him in hell.

Hmm. I'm thinking that's not really how it all went down, but the more I study the more confused I get.

It seems that the name "Lucifer" is the Latin translation of "Morning Star" or "Day star" referenced in Isaiah 14:12 which is a taunt directed to the king of Babylon. (Read Isaiah 14.)

But then this same term is used in 2 Peter 1:19: "And we have the word of the prophets made more certain, and you will do well to pay attention to it, as to a light shining in a dark place, until the day dawns and the morning star rises in your hearts."

And again in Revelation 22:16 : "I, Jesus, have sent my angel to give you this testimony for the churches. I am the Root and the Offspring of David, and the bright Morning Star."

So Jesus claims to be the Morning Star, which in Latin is Lucifer? That's confusing.

Also, I always blamed evil on Satan (Lucifer). He was the one who became evil and now taunts humans and causes all kinds of evil in the world, right? But John 1:1-3 says: "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning.
Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made."

So, nothing that has ever been made was made apart from God, including sin and evil?
Maybe someone who has more knowledge can shed more light on this for me.

And what about Beelzebub (aka Ba'al Zebûb, Lord of Things That Fly, Lord of the Flies), the deity that was being worshiped and was called "the prince of demons" by the Pharisees in Matthew 12:24: "But when the Pharisees heard this, they said, "It is only by Beelzebub, the prince of demons, that this fellow drives out demons."

Why do we assume these are all the same-- the serpant, Satan, the Morning Star or Day Star or Lucifer, Beelzebub?

I know so little. Maybe none of it matters. Maybe it matters a lot. I don't know. But can I blame the origins of evil on "the enemy" or was it just God's plan all along that it would exist? I'm not sure. But it does exist. I believe that God is the victor and in Him I will be too. I believe that God loves us all very much and we are to love like Him. But it's all very confusing to me right now...

Lent

Even now, says the LORD,
return to me with your whole heart,
with fasting, and weeping, and mourning;
Rend your hearts, not your garments,
and return to the LORD, your God.

-Joel 2:12-13

Today is Ash Wednesday and marks the beginning of the Lent season, the 40 days leading up to Easter. What will I give up? And why? I believe it's good to set apart times to do something different and refocus. I want to observe Lent, not out of ritual, but as a true sacrifice from my heart. I want to rend my heart and return to the Lord my God once again.

I'm still praying about what to give up. I'm a little late this time, but I'll figure it out before the day is over. Do you observe Lent? Why? If you do, what are you giving up this season?

Burnin' Down The House

I have been chipping away slowly at this book New Seeds of Contemplation by Thomas Merton. I only get to read a paragraph or two at a time, but believe me, there's a lot to chew on in each paragraph. So I was reading along and all of a sudden I felt like he had read my mail. He described exactly what I have been going through. It's been a time of questioning all, reworking in my mind, finding new understanding, or finding that I lack the understanding I thought I had. I told Chris just the other day, "The more I learn, the less I find I know."

I totally connected with Merton's words. Read this paragraph:
Let no one hope to find in contemplation an escape from conflict, from anguish or from doubt. On the contrary, the deep, inexpressible certitude of the contemplative experience awakens a tragic anguish and opens many questions in the depths of the heart like wounds that cannot stop bleeding. For every gain in deep certitude there is a corresponding growth of superficial "doubt." This doubt is by no means opposed to genuine faith, but it mercilessly examines and questions the spurious "faith" of everyday life, the human faith which is nothing but the passive acceptance of conventional opinion. This false "faith" which is what we often live by and which we even come to confuse with our "religion" is subjected to inexorable questioning. This torment is a kind of trial by fire in which we are compelled, by the very light of invisible truth which reached us in the dark ray of contemplation, to examine, to doubt and finally to reject all the prejudices and conventions that we have hitherto accepted as if they were dogmas. Hence is it clear that genuine contemplation is incompatible with complacency and with smug acceptance of prejudiced opinions. It is not mere passive acquiescence in the status quo, as some would like to believe--for this would reduce it to the level of spiritual anesthesia. Contemplation is no pain-killer. What a holocaust takes place in this steady burning to ashes of old worn-out words, clichés, slogans, rationalizations! The worst of it is that even apparently holy conceptions are consumed with all the rest. It is a terrible breaking and burning of idols, a purification of the sanctuary, so that no graven thing may occupy the place that God has commanded to be left empty: the center, the existential altar which simply "is."

Wow. What else can I say.

Interesting Quiz For You

I came across this quiz (click on that) and thought it was kind of interesting. It's 20 questions about faith and then they tell you who your answers line up with. Take it and share your results with me, then I'll post mine...

New Seeds of Contemplation

So I got a new book...
It's called New Seeds of Contemplation by Thomas Merton. I'm very excited about reading it. So far I have only read the preface and author's note. In the author's note he says something I found to be noteworthy (hence making a note about it), at least to myself (and, apparently, the author) . He said that the book is not a work of art, that anyone else with the same interests could have written it, perhaps better. But, "If you can bring yourself, somehow, to read it in communion with the God in Whose Presence it was written, it will interest you and you will probably draw some fruit from it, more by His grace than by the author's efforts. But if you cannot read it under these conditions, no doubt the book will at least be a novelty."

I thought this statement is true about a lot of things, especially those of the arts, like writing, music, art, etc. If the author created their work in the presence of God, (to which I might add and through His inspiration), then if the reader/listener/viewer can also allow themselves to take in the work while under the inspiration of God, they will probably draw some fruit from it. If the reader/listener/viewer does not come in this manner, what some might say "full of the Spirit," then the chances of them drawing fruit from their encounter with the work becomes slim. Yes, I believe God can step in and cause a person to receive from Him much to their surprise, but I think it usually takes an effort on our part to be receptive to what God has for us.

Maybe, this is just "Duh!" to some, but it struck me today. The responsibility lies not only with the author, but also with the viewer. God must be central.

Hmm. I have found God and His truth in the "secular" numerous times. But maybe it's not an issue of the author not being inspired, but more of them not realizing where their inspiration is actually coming from. After all, they are in the presence of God whether they know it or not. So maybe the question is whether fruit comes out of it or not, and that comes at the effort of the reader/listener/viewer and their "communion with the God in Whose Presence" it was created, not by the author and their intentions. That means we must always be looking for God in everything. Perhaps this is part of being contemplative. I hope to learn more about that as I read this book...

Blah, Blah, Blah

That's how I'm feeling.
Very Blah.
I'm sure it's mostly because I can't do many things due to back pain. (I had 3 herniated discs, but I'm doing much better now. It's just a constant ache now.) I'm trying to take it easy, but I'm going stir crazy. I actually want to do yard work. That's how bad it is. I don't like sitting around all day. I really don't. But it's not just that. I feel a spiritual blah-ness that I can't quite put a finger on. I know God is with me and at work, but I am only seeing darkness right now. It's a very dark night without even a moon for light. God will see me through. I'll emerge triumphant in Him. But I just feel like the air is thick around me and I can hardly get a complete breath these days.
I'm ready for something new.
I'm praying for something new.
I need something new.
I just need some light for my path.