Saturday, May 30, 2009

Logic Is Loud


God was talking to me about faith this morning. I think my faith is in question. Not the big picture faith that saves me from hell, but the day-to-day faith that allows me to step out and risk while I'm here on earth. I have no doubt that God has a plan, that God is in control, that I will not find myself and my family begging on the street. But do I have the faith that would allow me to move to a new city with no real job or even just a part-time job if I knew that God had plans for me and my family there? I'd like to think so. I'm quick to say, "Yes! I'll do whatever you tell me." But am I allowing myself to hear an out-of-the-box request (if it existed)? I don't know.

But man, logic is loud, you know? It can really get in the way sometimes I think. It tells me that God would give me a clear view of how our bills will be paid if we were to be told to go somewhere. Logic says I can't move my family across the U.S., or even across California, unless we have either one full-time or two part-time jobs lined up first. (Am I lacking faith?) We pass up applying for some awesome sounding jobs because they don't pay nearly enough for us to survive in the city they are located in (like a part-time job in Burbank that pays a max of $12,000). And pastors have passed us up for the same reason (at least that's what they say), because they can't afford to pay us enough because we have a large-ish family, so they just say sorry, without even attempting to see if there is another way. I've been telling myself that God will work it out. If the ability to pay bills is not apparent, then it must not be God's will for us. But, HELLO! The ability to pay our bills is not apparent here in Fresno right now either. So what does that mean? It's not God's will for us to stay here either?

I'm so weary. This search for our "path" is so tiring. At what point do we just get jobs at McDonalds or wherever will hire us?

We are hanging on to a thread of hope still. Not the hope in the big picture. We have a firm grasp on that hope. I mean the hope that the path will just appear before us, that the perfect plan will be revealed, and that it won't involve taking "a" job, but rather "the" job that was meant for us. Is it OK to keep hoping for that?

So, faith is being sure of what we hope for, but isn't that really talking about the big picture hope, rather than the day-to-day hope? I don't know... I think faith is required to be sure of both kinds of hope.

At this moment I feel sure of very little...

(Thanks for letting me ramble.)

Friday, May 8, 2009

What's withering away?



Some of the house plants are dying. They are in the living room where we spend most of our time. One sits about 3 or 4 feet from the stupid TV that gets stared at a lot. Yet, there it sits dying. It hasn't been tended to as it should have. It didn't get watered many times. I wonder how many other things in my life are dying due to neglect, even though they are right under my nose...