It's been about 9 months since I have posted. I just changed my background from a Christmas theme. This reveals some things about me: I have not felt I have had any important thoughts to post, I have had other priorities, I have been wasting my time on FB, and I have had to work on allowing myself to feel again. Yep, it's true. I have been numb for quite a while now, until anxiety overwhelmed me and that was all I could feel. This has been dealt with. After some psychotherapy and some drug therapy I am doing much better. I am learning to feel again. It's been good, but it's certainly not over.This numbness does not just affect me emotionally. I do not feel that people can separate their emotions, thoughts, spirit, and physical selves. One part affects the other. We are complex beings. When I started therapy I realized, or admitted to myself, that I was perhaps mad at God for a few things. This realization came with anger, pain, and sorrow. It was a first step to recovery of feeling. I think admitting my feelings, rather than hiding them, was freeing. I was holding something back from God. Letting God take my pain was weightlifting for me.
These days I am learning to be aware of the Divine again. I am looking for moments to be used by God, to bless others, to be impressed by the majesty of creation, to feel joy at a sunrise and pain over loss. I feel like I am just skimming the surface of the deep that is the sacred and divine. I want to dive deep into the ocean of the Holy and rise up as one who has been baptized a new creation once again.
Lord, breath your life in me and fill me again and again.
