She Maunders

I'm trying to make sense of it

2011-10-18T13:25:00.000-07:00

Someone posted this picture on a social site to show what rained down on them during a church service. People were responding with how they wanted some of that too. One person said she had gold dust on her all night but wished she could have a pretty purple gem to go with that gold dust.

Okay....
Here is my question: Did anyone take those gems and sell them so they could feed the poor?

I'm sorry if that was judgmental, I just don't get it. I never will. What is the fruit of that? Just joy for joy's sake? I am truly attempting to understand. I am not posting this to make negative comments about any persons. Please forgive me if I have offended anyone.

Knowing the Divine

2011-10-14T00:49:00.000-07:00

Sounds weird, but, I miss worshiping, truly worshiping, with my whole self - body, mind, and spirit. How can I go on like this? How long Lord? I may shrivel up soon. God help me please. Wash over me as I stand in the river and wait.

On the Precipice

2010-07-15T10:19:00.000-07:00

It's been about 9 months since I have posted. I just changed my background from a Christmas theme. This reveals some things about me: I have not felt I have had any important thoughts to post, I have had other priorities, I have been wasting my time on FB, and I have had to work on allowing myself to feel again. Yep, it's true. I have been numb for quite a while now, until anxiety overwhelmed me and that was all I could feel. This has been dealt with. After some psychotherapy and some drug therapy I am doing much better. I am learning to feel again. It's been good, but it's certainly not over.

This numbness does not just affect me emotionally. I do not feel that people can separate their emotions, thoughts, spirit, and physical selves. One part affects the other. We are complex beings. When I started therapy I realized, or admitted to myself, that I was perhaps mad at God for a few things. This realization came with anger, pain, and sorrow. It was a first step to recovery of feeling. I think admitting my feelings, rather than hiding them, was freeing. I was holding something back from God. Letting God take my pain was weightlifting for me.

These days I am learning to be aware of the Divine again. I am looking for moments to be used by God, to bless others, to be impressed by the majesty of creation, to feel joy at a sunrise and pain over loss. I feel like I am just skimming the surface of the deep that is the sacred and divine. I want to dive deep into the ocean of the Holy and rise up as one who has been baptized a new creation once again.

Lord, breath your life in me and fill me again and again.

A quote to ponder

2009-11-17T14:22:00.000-08:00

Came across an interesting quote today:
"Christians love to correct other people. But an appropriate prophetic attitude for a renewed and faithful church will begin with the recognition that we can only effectively challenge others to follow the way of Christ if we are continually hearing God's voice for ourselves, and allowing our own understandings to be changed in the process. We have something to share with others not because we are different, but because we are no different, and we can become credible witnesses not as we condemn others and dismiss what we regard as their inadequate spiritualities, but as we constantly listen to the gospel and appropriate its challenges in our own lives." - John Drane

I'm a growing tree...

2009-09-29T13:55:00.000-07:00

Howdy friends. It has certainly been a while. I haven't felt like I have had anything to blog about for some reason even though I have gone through a lot of changes in these past few months. Life is such a process...

As most of you probably know, I am now a grad student attending MB Biblical Seminary here in Fresno. I am so so happy to be there. I am learning so much already. If you want to know what has really hit home for me pick up Dissident Discipeship by David Augsberger and read at least the intro and first chapter. If you are not drawn in and wanting to continue reading then we are in two different places. (Which is OK.) For me, reading this has been an "A-ha!" experience. I have known that I have held to some beliefs, but didn't really know why, or wasn't able to express it all, but Augsberger really put my beliefs to words I guess. I'm not done with it, but I am really enjoying it so far. I am gaining an understanding of myself, which is truly great.

This last weekend was the Seminary's Fall retreat. We went up to Camp Keola and it was a wonderful time. Almost the whole family went. (Kanada went with the youth group on their retreat to Morro Bay.) It was so nice to be in the mountains and so nice to build relationships with fellow students. Sunday morning service was AMAZING for me. I could feel the Spirit so sweetly and I was a little overwhelmed. I couldn't see a box of tissue anywhere so I held back my emotion a little, but it was alright. We were in the presence of the Divine as a community and took part in the Eucharist and it was a beautiful time. It filled my cup.

I will try to blog more often. I think I have been getting my feelings out in little snippets on Facebook and so haven't known what else to say here. Oh well. I'm still alive and kicking if you were wondering.

Fuzzy Discourse

2009-06-10T14:38:00.001-07:00

My mind is a blur. I feel like God is trying to communicate with me but there's a layer of static enveloping the message and fuzzing it up. Can you hear it too? Like a record that has reached the end, but keeps spinning and hissing "sssshhhhhhhhsshhhhhshh..."

Here's what I know - very little. OK, but here's what I have - Chris and I have been going through some old boxes of papers and "stuff" that have been cluttering the garage forever. Chris came across two envelopes. One had my name written in my handwriting, one had his name in his handwriting, both with cards inside. Inside my card I had written simply "Isaiah 42." Inside Chris's he had written "Isaiah 42:1-4." Neither of us recall when the heck we wrote this down and sealed it up, nor why we did it, but there we found it years later. So I looked it up. Then as I read, I recalled how I had gotten this passage once upon a time and really felt like God was trying to tell me something through it back then. Even at that time when I first received it, it was unclear just what the message was, though I had some thoughts on it. Now I read it again as this vague sense of déjà vu came over me.
Anyone want to read it and tell me their thoughts?

And - I was just recalling how fairly recently I felt like there was "an exodus" coming. (I think I even declared so on facebook.) Not really sure what it meant, but I was very excited about it. I thought at the time it might mean an exodus from my dry "dessert" time, but now I'm thinking maybe it wasn't an exodus from the dessert, but rather from Egypt into the dessert. If I spend 40 years here I will truly die.
If that's where I am though, I do think I'm getting my daily manna. So... perhaps I overreacted and I won't die after all.
I'm ready for the roller coaster to stop.

Logic Is Loud

2009-05-30T22:57:00.000-07:00

God was talking to me about faith this morning. I think my faith is in question. Not the big picture faith that saves me from hell, but the day-to-day faith that allows me to step out and risk while I'm here on earth. I have no doubt that God has a plan, that God is in control, that I will not find myself and my family begging on the street. But do I have the faith that would allow me to move to a new city with no real job or even just a part-time job if I knew that God had plans for me and my family there? I'd like to think so. I'm quick to say, "Yes! I'll do whatever you tell me." But am I allowing myself to hear an out-of-the-box request (if it existed)? I don't know.

But man, logic is loud, you know? It can really get in the way sometimes I think. It tells me that God would give me a clear view of how our bills will be paid if we were to be told to go somewhere. Logic says I can't move my family across the U.S., or even across California, unless we have either one full-time or two part-time jobs lined up first. (Am I lacking faith?) We pass up applying for some awesome sounding jobs because they don't pay nearly enough for us to survive in the city they are located in (like a part-time job in Burbank that pays a max of $12,000). And pastors have passed us up for the same reason (at least that's what they say), because they can't afford to pay us enough because we have a large-ish family, so they just say sorry, without even attempting to see if there is another way. I've been telling myself that God will work it out. If the ability to pay bills is not apparent, then it must not be God's will for us. But, HELLO! The ability to pay our bills is not apparent here in Fresno right now either. So what does that mean? It's not God's will for us to stay here either?

I'm so weary. This search for our "path" is so tiring. At what point do we just get jobs at McDonalds or wherever will hire us?

We are hanging on to a thread of hope still. Not the hope in the big picture. We have a firm grasp on that hope. I mean the hope that the path will just appear before us, that the perfect plan will be revealed, and that it won't involve taking "a" job, but rather "the" job that was meant for us. Is it OK to keep hoping for that?

So, faith is being sure of what we hope for, but isn't that really talking about the big picture hope, rather than the day-to-day hope? I don't know... I think faith is required to be sure of both kinds of hope.

At this moment I feel sure of very little...
(Thanks for letting me ramble.)

What's withering away?

2009-05-08T15:16:00.000-07:00

Some of the house plants are dying. They are in the living room where we spend most of our time. One sits about 3 or 4 feet from the stupid TV that gets stared at a lot. Yet, there it sits dying. It hasn't been tended to as it should have. It didn't get watered many times. I wonder how many other things in my life are dying due to neglect, even though they are right under my nose...

Christ's Body

2009-04-16T17:21:00.000-07:00

In his blog, John Mark McMillan was saying:

"Why do church people focus so much on the cross when Jesus' death was actually powerless without the resurrection? (at least that's what the Bible says in 1 Corinthians 15:13)

If Christians taught more on resurrection than death, would Christianity be more interesting? Or maybe Christians might be more interesting people? Would I be more interesting?

Do we focus more on death because we don't really understand resurrection?

What if I focused on living resurrection instead of mostly talking about it and singing about it?

What if I don't have to wait until I die to be resurrected but my body, which dies a little everyday, could be resurrected every day?"

And I've been reading Rob Bell's book Jesus Wants to Save Christians. In it he talks about the church actually being the Eucharist. I've been pondering this all as I look at various churches and their websites and what they are about. Some churches practice the Eucharist every week. Some do not mention it at all.
This is all very interesting to me.

Does practicing the Eucharist keep our focus on Jesus' death and our sin? Or does it point to the life we can live as the resurrected?

I do think that practicing the Eucharist every week does build community ties if it's done in a manner that would cause us to be in contact with each other. I mean breaking bread and drinking wine/juice across the table from someone really brings it to "Jesus did this for US" rather than "Jesus died for ME." I think how you execute communion is key. But I don't really know. I'm just thinking it through.

I would like a season of having it every week I think.
But John Mark was right, we focus too much on the death rather than living the resurrected life every day, living like Jesus no matter what.

I don't know. I've been sitting on this for days, but my thoughts still aren't fully formed. I'm kind of living in a daze right now.

Anyone else have any profound, or otherwise, thoughts on this?

School Daze

2009-03-25T20:17:00.000-07:00

So I realize I haven't blogged in a while. I've been wrapped up in so much, and I sit down to post something, but end up staring at the screen for 5 minutes trying to think of something profound. It doesn't happen and I close the screen once more. Well, I still don't have anything profound.

I just counted it up and I only have 27 more days that I have classes to attend before I graduate. It still sounds like a lot to me. I hope I can get through without dropping the ball. I'm feeling pretty weary right now. One day at a time, though. One day at a time. I have 2 big tests next week, one with a take-home essay. I'm not looking forward to that. Actually my statistics class doesn't bother me nearly as much as my Art History class. What's wrong with that picture? I'm really not into being tested on Pre-Columbian Andean Art. I just don't give a rip right now. I have so much to memorize before next Thursday, and I have taken every excuse to not study. Aah. I just need to squeak by. I don't need the class to graduate. It's just "for fun." So much for that.
Apparently I'm in a whiny mood. Sorry.

I'll be fine. No worries. I just had to complain a little. Now I can buck up, and hop to, and make it happen. I'd be a little disappointed if I didn't continue my straight A streak I've had for the last 7 semesters, but it wouldn't kill me. :-)

Coffee. Lots of coffee...

An Existential Meltdown

2009-02-27T09:15:00.000-08:00

I grew up with the notion that God and his angels started off all happy up in heaven, and then one day one angel decided he was as good as God and ruined everything. He chose to go against God and evil was born. He was banished to hell, along with anyone who followed him. From then on there were the Trinity and the good angels in heaven, and Lucifer became "the devil," or Satan, and had all his fallen angels, also known as demons, with him in hell.

Hmm. I'm thinking that's not really how it all went down, but the more I study the more confused I get.

It seems that the name "Lucifer" is the Latin translation of "Morning Star" or "Day star" referenced in Isaiah 14:12 which is a taunt directed to the king of Babylon. (Read Isaiah 14.)

But then this same term is used in 2 Peter 1:19: "And we have the word of the prophets made more certain, and you will do well to pay attention to it, as to a light shining in a dark place, until the day dawns and the morning star rises in your hearts."

And again in Revelation 22:16 : "I, Jesus, have sent my angel to give you this testimony for the churches. I am the Root and the Offspring of David, and the bright Morning Star."

So Jesus claims to be the Morning Star, which in Latin is Lucifer? That's confusing.

Also, I always blamed evil on Satan (Lucifer). He was the one who became evil and now taunts humans and causes all kinds of evil in the world, right? But John 1:1-3 says: "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning.
Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made."

So, nothing that has ever been made was made apart from God, including sin and evil?
Maybe someone who has more knowledge can shed more light on this for me.

And what about Beelzebub (aka Ba'al Zebûb, Lord of Things That Fly, Lord of the Flies), the deity that was being worshiped and was called "the prince of demons" by the Pharisees in Matthew 12:24: "But when the Pharisees heard this, they said, "It is only by Beelzebub, the prince of demons, that this fellow drives out demons."

Why do we assume these are all the same-- the serpant, Satan, the Morning Star or Day Star or Lucifer, Beelzebub?

I know so little. Maybe none of it matters. Maybe it matters a lot. I don't know. But can I blame the origins of evil on "the enemy" or was it just God's plan all along that it would exist? I'm not sure. But it does exist. I believe that God is the victor and in Him I will be too. I believe that God loves us all very much and we are to love like Him. But it's all very confusing to me right now...

Lent

2009-02-25T14:34:00.000-08:00

Even now, says the LORD,
return to me with your whole heart,
with fasting, and weeping, and mourning;
Rend your hearts, not your garments,
and return to the LORD, your God.

-Joel 2:12-13

Today is Ash Wednesday and marks the beginning of the Lent season, the 40 days leading up to Easter. What will I give up? And why? I believe it's good to set apart times to do something different and refocus. I want to observe Lent, not out of ritual, but as a true sacrifice from my heart. I want to rend my heart and return to the Lord my God once again.

I'm still praying about what to give up. I'm a little late this time, but I'll figure it out before the day is over. Do you observe Lent? Why? If you do, what are you giving up this season?

Burnin' Down The House

2009-02-06T12:49:00.000-08:00

I have been chipping away slowly at this book New Seeds of Contemplation by Thomas Merton. I only get to read a paragraph or two at a time, but believe me, there's a lot to chew on in each paragraph. So I was reading along and all of a sudden I felt like he had read my mail. He described exactly what I have been going through. It's been a time of questioning all, reworking in my mind, finding new understanding, or finding that I lack the understanding I thought I had. I told Chris just the other day, "The more I learn, the less I find I know."

I totally connected with Merton's words. Read this paragraph:
Let no one hope to find in contemplation an escape from conflict, from anguish or from doubt. On the contrary, the deep, inexpressible certitude of the contemplative experience awakens a tragic anguish and opens many questions in the depths of the heart like wounds that cannot stop bleeding. For every gain in deep certitude there is a corresponding growth of superficial "doubt." This doubt is by no means opposed to genuine faith, but it mercilessly examines and questions the spurious "faith" of everyday life, the human faith which is nothing but the passive acceptance of conventional opinion. This false "faith" which is what we often live by and which we even come to confuse with our "religion" is subjected to inexorable questioning. This torment is a kind of trial by fire in which we are compelled, by the very light of invisible truth which reached us in the dark ray of contemplation, to examine, to doubt and finally to reject all the prejudices and conventions that we have hitherto accepted as if they were dogmas. Hence is it clear that genuine contemplation is incompatible with complacency and with smug acceptance of prejudiced opinions. It is not mere passive acquiescence in the status quo, as some would like to believe--for this would reduce it to the level of spiritual anesthesia. Contemplation is no pain-killer. What a holocaust takes place in this steady burning to ashes of old worn-out words, clichés, slogans, rationalizations! The worst of it is that even apparently holy conceptions are consumed with all the rest. It is a terrible breaking and burning of idols, a purification of the sanctuary, so that no graven thing may occupy the place that God has commanded to be left empty: the center, the existential altar which simply "is."

Wow. What else can I say.

Interesting Quiz For You

2009-02-02T08:57:00.000-08:00

I came across this quiz (click on that) and thought it was kind of interesting. It's 20 questions about faith and then they tell you who your answers line up with. Take it and share your results with me, then I'll post mine...

New Seeds of Contemplation

2009-01-14T11:03:00.000-08:00

So I got a new book...
It's called New Seeds of Contemplation by Thomas Merton. I'm very excited about reading it. So far I have only read the preface and author's note. In the author's note he says something I found to be noteworthy (hence making a note about it), at least to myself (and, apparently, the author) . He said that the book is not a work of art, that anyone else with the same interests could have written it, perhaps better. But, "If you can bring yourself, somehow, to read it in communion with the God in Whose Presence it was written, it will interest you and you will probably draw some fruit from it, more by His grace than by the author's efforts. But if you cannot read it under these conditions, no doubt the book will at least be a novelty."

I thought this statement is true about a lot of things, especially those of the arts, like writing, music, art, etc. If the author created their work in the presence of God, (to which I might add and through His inspiration), then if the reader/listener/viewer can also allow themselves to take in the work while under the inspiration of God, they will probably draw some fruit from it. If the reader/listener/viewer does not come in this manner, what some might say "full of the Spirit," then the chances of them drawing fruit from their encounter with the work becomes slim. Yes, I believe God can step in and cause a person to receive from Him much to their surprise, but I think it usually takes an effort on our part to be receptive to what God has for us.

Maybe, this is just "Duh!" to some, but it struck me today. The responsibility lies not only with the author, but also with the viewer. God must be central.

Hmm. I have found God and His truth in the "secular" numerous times. But maybe it's not an issue of the author not being inspired, but more of them not realizing where their inspiration is actually coming from. After all, they are in the presence of God whether they know it or not. So maybe the question is whether fruit comes out of it or not, and that comes at the effort of the reader/listener/viewer and their "communion with the God in Whose Presence" it was created, not by the author and their intentions. That means we must always be looking for God in everything. Perhaps this is part of being contemplative. I hope to learn more about that as I read this book...

Blah, Blah, Blah

2009-01-10T13:32:00.000-08:00

That's how I'm feeling.
Very Blah.
I'm sure it's mostly because I can't do many things due to back pain. (I had 3 herniated discs, but I'm doing much better now. It's just a constant ache now.) I'm trying to take it easy, but I'm going stir crazy. I actually want to do yard work. That's how bad it is. I don't like sitting around all day. I really don't. But it's not just that. I feel a spiritual blah-ness that I can't quite put a finger on. I know God is with me and at work, but I am only seeing darkness right now. It's a very dark night without even a moon for light. God will see me through. I'll emerge triumphant in Him. But I just feel like the air is thick around me and I can hardly get a complete breath these days.
I'm ready for something new.
I'm praying for something new.
I need something new.
I just need some light for my path.

That darn mantra

2008-12-13T18:48:00.000-08:00

So when I first posted those words about God always being faithful, I had no idea to what extent I would have to lean on them. Alas, a trying time has now been majorly compounded and I feel like a little grape underfoot, being pressed until something new is made. I guess that's a good thing.

But I still believe the words of my mantra and I proclaim them loudly so the enemy, (whether that be Satan or just my own fleshly thoughts), will flee from me like dust in the wind.

You have always been faithful, Lord!

You have always been faithful!

Advent

2008-12-06T14:19:00.000-08:00

Somehow today I ended up at the blog of a guy who lives in Florida (about as far from here as possible in the mainland U.S. I thought was interesting). Anyway, he's an oblate, something I'm learning a little more about lately. (See - http://www.osb.org/obl/intro.html for more info.)

He was writing about Advent and he said something I found to be very interesting. It was this: "In my study times, I have been learning more about Advent. The most interesting thought I came across today is that we might see our whole lives on earth as an Advent to eternal life with Christ. The passing from our darkness into his light." (If you want to check out his blog it's: www.oblatespring.blogspot.com)

That is so true. This time of Advent we are in preparing for Christmas is but a tiny piece of the greater Advent that is our lives. What an awesome thought. Let us not forget to always be mindful of the coming of Christ and how we are to live in preparation for meeting Him face to face. But not only that, but He is here with us even now. This is too much for my human brain to truly understand. I am trying to ponder all this amidst the noise of my sons playing noisily. It's difficult, but I know God is here with us. I am thankful for that.

Sorry if this ruins your dessert...

2008-12-03T10:26:00.000-08:00

I have been made aware this year that my 65 cent chocolate bar is enjoyed at the expense of the lives of thousands of children around the world. Here is one article of many that inform us of this tragedy. I thought I should pass it on in hopes of one day abolishing slavery worldwide. If we take a stand against companies that exploit children, we can help produce change. Knowledge is power. Tell a friend.
Thanks.

Chocolate...by Slave Labour

"It is very likely the chocolate you are about to eat has been produced by slave labour, primarily, child slave labour. Slavery exists in Africa. It exists where people can be exploited. The growing of cocoa beans offers one of the best opportunities to use child slaves. The Ivory Coast, (Cote d'Ivoire) produces about forty three (43%) percent of the world's cocoa beans, which being cultivated by slave labour are far cheaper than that produced in nations which have strict labour laws and careful monitoring.

The beans produced in the Ivory Coast are purchased by the major chocolate producers such as Hershey, M&M Mars, Cadbury, Nestle and other famous names. That chocolate you are about to eat is probably made from beans grown in the Ivory Coast. That chocolate was probably produced by boys who have been taken from countries, such as Mali, and sold to farmers in the Ivory Coast. There are about six hundred thousand chocolate farmers in Cote d'Ivoire and most use child slave labour. Most sell to Hershey and M&M Mars which control two thirds (2/3rds) of the world's chocolate market. Those chocolate bars on the supermarket shelves have been produced by slave labour. There are companies, however, which only use cocoa that has not been produced with slave labour; among them are, Cloud Nine, Dagoba, Green and Blacks, Newman's own.

The cocoa beans used by these companies comes from other nations where the farms are monitored and there are labour laws. Some companies buy only Fair Trade Chocolate, and some, like Rapunzel, initiated fair trade and ecology strict guidelines. Rapunzel's chocolate comes from Bolivia and the Dominican Republic. During the past few years, many organisations have effectively informed the public of the true cost of chocolate. Most people, once aware, refuse to buy chocolate produced by slave labour. Chocolate is not the only commodity produced by slave labour, and a visit to www.antislavery.org will reveal others. However, you can make a difference by simply not buying chocolate produced by slave labour."

Blessings to You!

2008-12-03T09:48:00.000-08:00

Advent is a time to celebrate light in the midst of darkness. It is a time to ponder the coming of our Lord. Not only how he came long ago, but how he will come again. I desire for this to be a season of focus on Immanuel, God with us. I want to be especially aware of his presence, (rather than presents), this season. I know that there are many out there this year who are looking at this Christmas season with new lenses. God has given many people a new perspective. He has, in his own sovereign way, turned tragedy into a wake-up call for much of America. Let us not fail to allow God to continue to grow us in his holiness and righteousness in the coming days. I feel especially blessed this year. I pray that you will all feel blessed as well.

Shalom.

Fish and Friends

2008-11-23T20:55:00.000-08:00

I was very blessed to be able to enjoy two of my most favorite things today. They are friendship and sushi. Our friend Mark Adams came down from Portland for the week and he and Chris and I and Carol Yohannes went out to sushi for lunch at one of my favorite restaurants (called I Love Sushi). It was so nice to see Mark again. I miss his wonderful insight and the subtle way he grounds everything in Christ. Carol treated Chris and me to a late Birthday meal. What more could I ask for except for more time to hang out and talk. We had a great time.

I changed my mind

2008-11-03T11:09:00.000-08:00

It's now my mantra for the whole holiday season. (See previous post.) Money matters can really bind me in the last two months of the year. So I want to really focus on God's faithfulness instead! I'm handing over my worry.

My mantra for the day (in case you were wondering)

2008-10-29T09:21:00.000-07:00

You have always been faithful, Lord.

You have always been faithful.

Playing for Change

2008-10-26T09:08:00.001-07:00

Every now and then some simple person with a great vision comes along and thinks they can change the world, even if it's just one person at a time. Maybe they don't even think they can change the world, but they do know change needs to happen. They think outside the box, and they live in forward motion, rather than being stagnant. These include people like Gandhi, Mother Teresa, Bono, and Mark Johnson. If you haven't heard of that last guy, then check out the link below. This guy is just a film-maker with an awesome vision for change. His project is amazing and I pray that there is much fruit from it. Check out this link to a video. Watch it and find out what he's doing.

http://www.pbs.org/moyers/journal/10242008/watch3.html

Put the mud in my eyes and let me see...

2008-10-03T08:53:00.000-07:00

In a response to "All you need is love" I talked about my Intro to Counseling teacher taking the class through a "Buddhist meditation" and I was a little freaked. That's pretty funny to me now. What a typical response by a Western-minded Christian - to freak out about a little centering exercise. I'm a bit chagrinned now by that. It's funny how God works in people's lives. He uses whatever is going on to speak to those who will listen. Does he have a big orchestrated plan for one person to learn one little lesson? Maybe, maybe not. But I do know he will use all things at his disposal to point something out to someone who wants to see what he has to show. He has been teaching me much lately about how boxed in I have kept him. I didn't think I had, but... I feel like I have been wearing one prescription of glasses for a long time, too long perhaps, and he has come along and taken them off my face and said, "Here. Try these." And wow. There is so much more to see beyond where I could focus before. There is so much more Truth outside of my old sphere of vision. I am taking steps to see even more. It feels a little strange wearing these new glasses. They may take a little time to get used to.

Go tell it on a mountain

2008-09-22T09:21:00.000-07:00

I feel like God is stirring me up inside again. I love that feeling. You know that feeling of God's hands on you, like a potter with his clay, pressing and molding and taking care to get it to be just what he wants. God is good. He really is. I can't declare that enough. It sounds so puny for how immense it feels in my heart. GOD IS SO GREAT! He amazes me over and over again. I am so blessed by him. I savor him!

I began reading a new book today by John Piper called The Supremacy of God in Preaching. In the Preface to the Revised Edition he said something that resounded in my heart. I will post it here for you to ponder with me...

"There are always two parts to true worship. There is seeing God and there is savoring God. You can't separate these. You must see him to savor him. And if you don't savor him when you see him, you insult him. In true worship, there is always understanding with the mind and there is always feeling in the heart. Understanding must always be the foundation of feeling, or all we have is baseless emotionalism. But understanding of God that doesn't give rise to feeling for God becomes mere intellectualism and deadness. This is why the Bible continually calls us to think and consider and meditate, on one hand, and to rejoice and fear and mourn and delight and hope and be glad, on the other hand. Both are essential for worship."

I think of that song by Lifehouse that says, "...and how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?" I've thought about those lyrics a lot in the past. How can I stand before God and not be moved by him? How can I see him and not savor him? Well, I can't. God is good and I want to shout it from the rooftops!

All you need is love

2008-08-27T10:38:00.000-07:00

The other day

Chris and I were walking through a parking lot to a Starbucks when this guy out on the side walk starts running to the bus stop to catch the bus there. When he started to run he didn't notice that he had dropped something out of his backpack. I couldn't tell what it was, but Chris noticed right away that it was the guys keys. Chris said, "He's gonna want those" and ran to them, picked them up, and ran them over to the guy at the bus stop. While I stood there with Liam waiting for Chris to return, a woman was walking up and said to me, "Oh, that's so good to see. That's so great. That's so good. Pay it forward. Pay it forward." Then she went over to Chris and said the same thing.

I was thinking, "Pay it forward? What the heck does that mean?" I asked Chris and he said it had to do with karma. Then he got a little bit upset and said what he had done had nothing to do with karma (duh). In fact, he didn't even think, "If I dropped my keys, I would want someone to grab them for me, so I should get them for that guy." He just knew it was the right thing to do. That guy dropped his keys and he would have never known where he dropped them. Chris thought, "He dropped his keys and he needs them. I can help him."

So often I feel like we only act if we feel we will get something out if it. That's so sad. Our motivation is often, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." How is that really different than karma? Shouldn't our motivation be Love, always? Just Love. That's it. That's all the motivation we need.

(I love my husband and what God is doing with him.)

Stay in Pursuit!

2008-08-14T08:48:00.000-07:00

I have no focus of thought today. I feel like I have several rabbit trails in my brain that I can't see the ends of. But I felt as though I should add to this blog I started so as not to be a quitter.

I finished reading Crazy Love a day or two ago. At first I wasn't getting much from it, but I kept reading and I did get some nuggets to absorb in the end. (OK, that sounded weird. I didn't absorb them in my end, rather in my brain and heart.) I'll share some lines that stood out to me; I'll rely on Francis Chan's words to inspire you today, rather than my own...

"...if I stop pursuing Christ, I am letting our relationship deteriorate. We never grow closer to God when we just live life; it takes deliberate pursuit and attentiveness."

"It is a remarkable cycle: Our prayers for more love result in love, which naturally cause us to pray more, which results in more love...

Imagine going for a run while eating a box of Twinkies. Besides being self-defeating and sideache-inducing, it would also be near impossible - you would have to stop running in order to eat the Twinkies.

In the same way, you have to stop loving and pursuing Christ in order to sin. When you are pursuing love, running toward Christ, you do not have opportunity to wonder, Am I doing this right? or Did I serve enough this week? When you are running toward Christ, you are freed up to serve, love, an give thanks without guilt, worry or fear. As long as you are running, you are safe."

Hmm

2008-08-06T22:06:00.000-07:00

Yeah, so this blogging thing is difficult. I consider writing what's on my mind and then I think, who really wants to read that? Then some things that might be interesting I shy away from writing about because I am afraid to offend this person or that person by my thoughts or memories or feelings or whatever. I feel like what I can really write about is marginalized by my need to please people. It really stinks not being the rebel I once was. Life was easier when all I cared about was me.

2008-08-03T09:34:00.000-07:00

How many times in our lives do we have "ideas" that seem so great in our heads, but as we try to articulate them, they fall to the floor like dust bunnies in the wind? It happens to me all the time anyway. We can feel so inspired one moment, and then later remember only one facet of our great idea, and it now looks like a tiny piece of dried up playdough. Good for nothing. Is it just my ADD brain that does that to me? Or is this common among everyone? I have learned that if I am feeling inspired, I must go immediately and work on it or I lose it. There have been times when I couldn't or didn't go right away to work out my thoughts and, after it has evaporated into thin air, I have prayed in earnest that God would reveal it to me again so I could follow through. It never seems to work that way. Then I question if I ever had those thoughts of what seemed like divine inspiration in the first place. Sometimes I think I'm mad. Insane in the membrane. If God were really trying to give me inspired thought, why does he let it dissipate, never to be remembered? Perhaps I'll ask him that someday, if I remember. :)

So I have been thinking about "rejoicing" lately. I think it's divine inspiration. I have started researching it in the Bible, and it is leading me down other paths, and back to paths that I, and others, have been on before. Sometimes everything in life seems connected. And I think maybe it is. But then there are times when I feel like my thoughts are floating on an ice cube in a sink full of warm water, connected to nothing, and quickly beginning to deliquesce.

I wonder if Jesus ever had thoughts like this when he was here as human. Or were his thoughts always in perfect connection with his Father? I wonder. I very much look forward to the day that I am in perfect communion with God with no sin or human nature in the way.

Phillipians 3:12 (NIV) "Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me."

I become a hand or a nostril or something...

2008-08-01T07:52:00.000-07:00

So I look over and see Todd and Melanie Anderson, who were them-selves at The Father's House for the very first time, up from Ontario, CA where they had been living, to accept a job offer for Todd as Youth/Worship Pastor. What a coincidence! You see, I knew them from the People's Church days. (Actually, my brother Chris was in a band with Todd, and they were attending People's church and my brother is the one who got me to go there too.) Todd had been the worship leader of the college group worship team, and Melanie was my great friend that I had lived with, along with her sister and another friend, for a little while back in 1993. This was now August of 1998 when we both "happened" to show up at TFH for the first time. They stayed and we stayed. It was divine providence. (They were the only people our age with kids our kids' age, but there were/are some kinda close to our age with kids.)

Anyway, it is at The Father's House where I finally began to give my entire self over to God to do with as he pleases. This is where I really danced during worship, waved banners, have run around excited by God and unconfined in worship of him. This is where I learned I had the gift of prophecy and learned what that meant. It is here that I learned how to play bass, and worship with it in hand. And it is here that I learned how to run the sound board and contribute to worship through that. (I have my husband to thank for those things.) I have had several people here that I would call mentors. Though never really official mentors, they have taught me so much about how to live out God's love in a real way. Some of these people are Cathy Davis, Brad Davis, Kathy Bos, Carol Yohannes, Mari Eleneke, and Jeff Hopper, just to name a few. (Don't be offended if you weren't named. I have really been influenced for good by each and every person that has been or still is a part of The Father's House.) But Cathy Davis was a great teacher on using the prophetic. I value greatly what I learned from her, under the wing of her loving mother's heart. And Kathy Bos taught me so much about looking with spiritual eyes to see what God is doing in our midst and she taught me about boldness in proclaiming it as well. And there is so much more, I could go on and on. Mari and Carol have taught me a lot about loving unconditionally, and giving with joy. They are amazing. Jeff has taught me so much about patience and integrity and parenting. He doesn't even know what I have learned just from watching him live his life.

All I can say is that I know without a doubt that God placed me in this body so he could finally get his hands inside my core, snatch me up, and change me for his kingdom purposes. And he has used relationship to do it. I think this very much aligns with our theme for the year. It seems it has my theme since I arrived at TFH.

And so it goes

2008-07-31T15:11:00.000-07:00

That day at Abundant Life Chapel I met the Holy Spirit and I never was the same. When I got home that day I was very excited to tell my parents what happened. Unfortunately, at that time, my father was not as open as he is now, and I got what felt like a lecture on "Emotionalism" and it's lack of importance in church. I was crushed and angry. I didn't buy into what he said. I thought God created emotions, why not use them to worship him? I was increasingly unhappy at my church where the only movement I saw during worship was standing and turning hymnal pages and then sitting again. I attended ALC many more times before Monica and I switched schools and saw each other less and less. But I'll never ever forget the love her family showed me. I would say perhaps their love and acceptance was what kept me from being frightened and turned off by what I saw at their church. I knew I was safe with them.

After I graduated from High School I went through some bad times with God and life (maybe I'll talk about all that another day), but found myself back in church seeking more from God. I knew that what I had been doing all my life was not satisfying me. I have told people that I knew all about God, but didn't actually get to know God until I turned 18 and left my parents' church and sought Him on my own. I visited a Vineyard or 2, I attended a Calvary Chapel for a little bit, but I ended up at People's Church in their college group under Mike Chastain. There I went through some major growth and exploration of the Trinity. It was a wonderful time of life. I began to learn about the gifts of the spirit and their use in the body. I was prophesied over there and told that God would use my life experience (which was greater than it should have been by then) by giving me the gift of discerning spirits. I really had no idea at that time what that really meant, and now only know a fraction of what it means, but I believe that to be true. It goes along with the prophetic for me. I was prayed over by my friends who were so gung-ho and full of zeal. They prayed that I would be given the gift of tongues. They encouraged me to speak it out, but it didn't happen for me. There have been a few times when I have felt like there was something strange on the tip of my tongue, waiting to be spoken, but it has not happened for me yet. If God wants to do that with me he can...

While attending there I still felt torn. As I look back now it was almost a battle over my life. I was falling deeply in love with God and made the mistake of thinking I was ready for love on earth as well. Then my focus turned to a guy. I felt like I was being pulled from one end by God and another end by my emotions and lust. I can talk more about that later.

Eventually, I ended up looking to God to meet my needs. I ended up back in an MB church, which was just crazy to me. But in my defense it was a contemporary plant that looked nothing like the church I grew up in. It had a worship band. This is where Chris and I met again. (We went to High School together but he was focused on someone else. If you have been at TFH you may have heard his story.) Anyway, I still hadn't learned my lesson and we ended up pregnant and engaged and looking for a new place to worship that had young families like we were. Chris had heard about a place called The Father's House that an old friend had been attending, so we thought we'd go and give it a try. As we were driving up we agreed, "If we see one couple that's our age and has kids we'll stay here at this church." As soon as we said this I turned and looked at the entrance as Todd and Melanie Anderson were walking up with their daughter....

I will continue this story tomorrow. :)

The Holy Spirit Says Hello

2008-07-29T16:24:00.000-07:00

So I went to Abundant Life Chapel with the Daniels family. (I don't remember if this was 8th grade or 9th grade.) Since Charlie was the worship leader we went early for worship team practice. They had a band and a choir. Shirley, Monica's mom, was an alto like me and Monica was a soprano. They asked if I wanted to sing with them in the choir. I was a little shocked, but said, "Sure!" I sat next to Shirley and followed along with her strong and beautiful alto voice. It was a lot of fun. So we practiced and then put on robes and took our places on stage. (I don't remember every detail, but this is how it went in general.) So the service started and we sang a song or two and people were raising hands and singing out to God and swaying in the isles (all of which was not the norm in my MB church), then all of a sudden a woman sitting with the congregation stood up and spoke in tongues in a loud voice so everyone could hear. I had never heard anything like it in my life. It was odd and wonderful. Then when she sat down, it was quiet for a minute. Then someone else stood up and interpreted the word from the Lord. I was amazed. The words were loving and called to his children to come to him. I was overwhelmed with the feeling of what I now know as the Holy Spirit filling me and swirling around me. I was brought to tears. I tried hard to continue to sing with the choir and hold back my emotion since I was in front of the whole congregation. But I was completely overwhelmed by God.

I will continue sharing my journey next time.

The Next Step

2008-07-29T10:23:00.000-07:00

I realize that you have been on pins and needles waiting to read more of my story on becoming charismatic. Sorry I wasn't able to sit and blog yesterday.

So we already looked at my MB background. The summer before my 8th grade year (1986) my family and I moved to Madera Ranchos. It was there on the first day of school at Webster Elementary (K-8) that I met a girl who, along with her family, would have great influence over my spiritual path. Her name was Monica Daniels. (Some of you may know of her father Charlie Daniels, of the music store that once was in Fresno.) I became great friends with her and began to hang out a lot at her home. Her family was so loving to me. Her mother has a true servant's heart that I can only attempt to emulate. Her father (and mother) were so grounded in their faith. Everything came back to God. Everything was about and for God. It was openly discussed and real to them. I felt at peace and truly loved unconditionally when I was with them. Then I was invited to go to church with them one day. Somehow I was allowed to go. That sounds weird, but it was very important to my parents that we go to church as a family every Sunday, and sometimes Sunday nights, and most Wednesday nights. (Actually, the commitment to meeting with the body is one excellent thing instilled in me by my parents. I was raised to make it a priority over everything else. When I went to look for a job I was taught that I had to stand firm in scheduling to not work on Sundays. My dad told me that any job worth having would allow me to go to church and would see that as an asset, rather than a problem. I have always been up front when looking for a job to let them know that church meetings are a priority. It has never stopped me from getting a job, that I know of.) But for some reason I didn't know if my parents would let me go to church with a friend, but after asking a couple of times and assuring them that they were protestant like us, I was allowed to go. (That's how I remember it anyway. There may have been no issues at all with letting me go, knowing she was protestant and not mormon like some of my other friends who invited me to dances.) Anyway, I went to Abundant Life Chapel with the Daniels' one Sunday. And the rest, they say, is history.

I will continue this story later today I hope...

The start of my journey

2008-07-27T09:15:00.000-07:00

So I am reading this book Convergence: Spiritual Journeys of a Charismatic Calvinist and it has gotten me thinking about my own spiritual journey.

I was raised in the Mennonite Brethren church. I am a half-breed. I don't mean that as a bad thing, just a fact. My dad's side is all of German Mennonite Brethren descent. So I got to grow up with a good Mennonite name (Kliewer). But my mom is half Yugoslavian (one old lady vehemently said we are Croatian when she heard the family name) and the other half is a mix of German (High, not Low like the MB side, as my great-grandma pointed out with disdain when my mom told her my dad's last name), and some other stuff, I forget. My mom was raised Catholic and converted to protestant when she began dating my dad and going to an MB church with him. Of course, when people came up and played the MB Name Game with her (Who are your parents dear? What's your last name? Matulich? Uh...Uh.... That's not a Mennonite name, is it.)

she didn't fit.

(Isn't it funny how important names and family lines are to people? How come people are so proud of their family lines, when it was completely out of their control what family they be born into? They boast for something that really had nothing to do with them, but more with the sovereignty of God, if anything. Strange.)

So, anyway, that is some of my family background. If you don't know about the Anabaptist Mennonite Brethren I would encourage you to look into their history. It's good to know about other denominations and belief systems. You will also get a clue about why Chris and I have so many "Hippy" stickers on our van. Check out this site for a little history in a nutshell -

http://www.anabaptists.org/history/mennohist.html

Tomorrow I will continue the story of my journey to becoming a charismatic.

Same old same old...

2008-07-26T15:43:00.000-07:00

(Heavy sigh as she sits down to blog). Art Therapy? I can't even get a degree in this town to do that. What about that? What the heck? My options are so limited here in Fresno. But isn't this where God has me right now? So what is his plan? Do I trudge on getting some degree or other here in Fresno? Do I wait until Chris is done and look for a school in a different town? Do I just assume that since it will be next to impossible for me to get a degree here in Fresno that will allow me to be an Art Therapist that it is not within God's plan for me to do that? There's that dang logic again. Was it logical when he told those fishermen to drop what they were doing and follow him, into the total unknown, with no sensible way to get income, just because it was Him that called them out? That's completely illogical. I'm OK with that. I don't have to function with logic. I just need to hear that voice saying, "Follow me this way, Kim." I will follow. I promise. Tell me what to do! I'll cast my net wherever you tell me, Lord.

I'm slipping

2008-07-25T13:13:00.000-07:00

I was just staring at my daughter's closet for no apparent reason and realized, as I looked at all the pink shirts she has, that I am not as OCD as I used to be. I must be slipping in my old age. I used to organize my closet first by type of clothing (short sleeved shirts, long sleeved shirts, tank tops, dresses, skirts, etc.) and then also by color (blues, reds, whites, blacks, etc.). Well I happen to know that right now as I type not only are my clothes all mixed up in the color category, but I also have a long sleeved shirt hung in the middle of my short sleeved shirts. I know this because I hung it up last night before bed. I had several short sleeved shirts and one long sleeved shirt and didn't feel like taking the time to put the one shirt with the other long sleeved shirts. Perhaps because I know this, and care, I still am as OCD as ever. I don't think so though because while I will probably eventually put that LS shirt with the others next time I look in my closet, I couldn't care less that the colors are all jumbled. They can mingle. It's OK. I don't care. Really.

Tell me what to do God....

2008-07-24T11:37:00.000-07:00

I was writing to a friend just now and realized that I was just pouring out my thoughts and decided I could just post that here. It is my dilemma for the day, week, month, year....

I graduate next semester with my BA in Art. I could be done and go look for whatever lame job I can find here in Fresno. Or I could do a masters program at CSUF. That's affordable, but the Art program is really lame. I could do a different program, but I haven't found one there that excites me. What I really would do if money were no issue would be to go to seminary here in Fresno and do the Marriage, Family and Children Counseling MA program and get certified to be a therapist. The program is I think like $25,000. I could get some grants and scholarships but would probably rack up at least $20,000 in debt. This is on top of the $20,000 I already have from stupid decisions and being poor and living on school loans years ago. So if I'm going by logic I have to ask myself if the debt is really worth it. I'm leaning toward yes. I think my income would triple if I became a therapist vs. getting a job with my art degree. BUT it's scary. I want to buy a house someday and I don't want to live in debt forever. So the thought of all that debt is overwhelming. If I knew that God wanted me to do that, and would take care ot it for me, then I could walk into it without guilt. I just don't hear anything right now. No yes and no no. I looked into the CSUF Psych or Counseling degrees, but the programs in the catalog are vague and confusing. Plus I really want to go to seminary for the biblical study and application to the degree program. I really want to counsel froma strong biblical perspective. I would not get this at CSUF. I would have to try to get that part on my own if I went there.

SO, it sounds like I know what I want to do. I just need to know God is saying it's OK for me to do...

Here I am God. It's me, Kim.

2008-07-23T09:18:00.000-07:00

So, I have joined the masses and now have my own blog. Why, you ask. I am currently reading Creating a Life Worth Living to try and figure out what in the blazes I am gonna do with my life. It says that I should do something like this for 15 minutes a day to clear my mind, let thoughts flow, and listen to myself. Doing a blog, or keeping a journal, also allows me to look back at what moronic blabber I spilled forth and try to make heads or tails of it all, find patterns, etc. to help me figure myself out. I dunno. It's an exercise for me. It is also an exercise in letting go of perfectionism. This 15 minutes a day exercise can not be ruled by perfectionism or it does not work. It has to be free flowing. So, you may enjoy some interesting (or not interesting) ramblings form my crazy brain as I maunder on and on here. I may do some stream of consciousness writings, I may just talk about whatever topic is filling my brain at the moment I sit down in front of my computer. It's a new adventure for me as I let the imagination flow like a river and take me where it will...