Knowing the Divine

Sounds weird, but, I miss worshiping, truly worshiping, with my whole self - body, mind, and spirit.  How can I go on like this?  How long Lord?  I may shrivel up soon.  God help me please. Wash over me as I stand in the river and wait.

On the Precipice

It's been about 9 months since I have posted. I just changed my background from a Christmas theme. This reveals some things about me: I have not felt I have had any important thoughts to post, I have had other priorities, I have been wasting my time on FB, and I have had to work on allowing myself to feel again. Yep, it's true. I have been numb for quite a while now, until anxiety overwhelmed me and that was all I could feel. This has been dealt with. After some psychotherapy and some drug therapy I am doing much better. I am learning to feel again. It's been good, but it's certainly not over.

This numbness does not just affect me emotionally. I do not feel that people can separate their emotions, thoughts, spirit, and physical selves. One part affects the other. We are complex beings. When I started therapy I realized, or admitted to myself, that I was perhaps mad at God for a few things. This realization came with anger, pain, and sorrow. It was a first step to recovery of feeling. I think admitting my feelings, rather than hiding them, was freeing. I was holding something back from God. Letting God take my pain was weightlifting for me.

These days I am learning to be aware of the Divine again. I am looking for moments to be used by God, to bless others, to be impressed by the majesty of creation, to feel joy at a sunrise and pain over loss. I feel like I am just skimming the surface of the deep that is the sacred and divine. I want to dive deep into the ocean of the Holy and rise up as one who has been baptized a new creation once again.

Lord, breath your life in me and fill me again and again.

A quote to ponder

Came across an interesting quote today:
"Christians love to correct other people. But an appropriate prophetic attitude for a renewed and faithful church will begin with the recognition that we can only effectively challenge others to follow the way of Christ if we are continually hearing God's voice for ourselves, and allowing our own understandings to be changed in the process. We have something to share with others not because we are different, but because we are no different, and we can become credible witnesses not as we condemn others and dismiss what we regard as their inadequate spiritualities, but as we constantly listen to the gospel and appropriate its challenges in our own lives." - John Drane

I'm a growing tree...

Howdy friends. It has certainly been a while. I haven't felt like I have had anything to blog about for some reason even though I have gone through a lot of changes in these past few months. Life is such a process...

As most of you probably know, I am now a grad student attending MB Biblical Seminary here in Fresno. I am so so happy to be there. I am learning so much already. If you want to know what has really hit home for me pick up Dissident Discipeship by David Augsberger and read at least the intro and first chapter. If you are not drawn in and wanting to continue reading then we are in two different places. (Which is OK.) For me, reading this has been an "A-ha!" experience. I have known that I have held to some beliefs, but didn't really know why, or wasn't able to express it all, but Augsberger really put my beliefs to words I guess. I'm not done with it, but I am really enjoying it so far. I am gaining an understanding of myself, which is truly great.

This last weekend was the Seminary's Fall retreat. We went up to Camp Keola and it was a wonderful time. Almost the whole family went. (Kanada went with the youth group on their retreat to Morro Bay.) It was so nice to be in the mountains and so nice to build relationships with fellow students. Sunday morning service was AMAZING for me. I could feel the Spirit so sweetly and I was a little overwhelmed. I couldn't see a box of tissue anywhere so I held back my emotion a little, but it was alright. We were in the presence of the Divine as a community and took part in the Eucharist and it was a beautiful time. It filled my cup.

I will try to blog more often. I think I have been getting my feelings out in little snippets on Facebook and so haven't known what else to say here. Oh well. I'm still alive and kicking if you were wondering.

Fuzzy Discourse

My mind is a blur. I feel like God is trying to communicate with me but there's a layer of static enveloping the message and fuzzing it up. Can you hear it too? Like a record that has reached the end, but keeps spinning and hissing "sssshhhhhhhhsshhhhhshh..."

Here's what I know - very little. OK, but here's what I have - Chris and I have been going through some old boxes of papers and "stuff" that have been cluttering the garage forever. Chris came across two envelopes. One had my name written in my handwriting, one had his name in his handwriting, both with cards inside. Inside my card I had written simply "Isaiah 42." Inside Chris's he had written "Isaiah 42:1-4." Neither of us recall when the heck we wrote this down and sealed it up, nor why we did it, but there we found it years later. So I looked it up. Then as I read, I recalled how I had gotten this passage once upon a time and really felt like God was trying to tell me something through it back then. Even at that time when I first received it, it was unclear just what the message was, though I had some thoughts on it. Now I read it again as this vague sense of déjà vu came over me.
Anyone want to read it and tell me their thoughts?

And - I was just recalling how fairly recently I felt like there was "an exodus" coming. (I think I even declared so on facebook.) Not really sure what it meant, but I was very excited about it. I thought at the time it might mean an exodus from my dry "dessert" time, but now I'm thinking maybe it wasn't an exodus from the dessert, but rather from Egypt into the dessert. If I spend 40 years here I will truly die.
If that's where I am though, I do think I'm getting my daily manna. So... perhaps I overreacted and I won't die after all.
I'm ready for the roller coaster to stop.

Logic Is Loud

God was talking to me about faith this morning. I think my faith is in question. Not the big picture faith that saves me from hell, but the day-to-day faith that allows me to step out and risk while I'm here on earth. I have no doubt that God has a plan, that God is in control, that I will not find myself and my family begging on the street. But do I have the faith that would allow me to move to a new city with no real job or even just a part-time job if I knew that God had plans for me and my family there? I'd like to think so. I'm quick to say, "Yes! I'll do whatever you tell me." But am I allowing myself to hear an out-of-the-box request (if it existed)? I don't know.

But man, logic is loud, you know? It can really get in the way sometimes I think. It tells me that God would give me a clear view of how our bills will be paid if we were to be told to go somewhere. Logic says I can't move my family across the U.S., or even across California, unless we have either one full-time or two part-time jobs lined up first. (Am I lacking faith?) We pass up applying for some awesome sounding jobs because they don't pay nearly enough for us to survive in the city they are located in (like a part-time job in Burbank that pays a max of $12,000). And pastors have passed us up for the same reason (at least that's what they say), because they can't afford to pay us enough because we have a large-ish family, so they just say sorry, without even attempting to see if there is another way. I've been telling myself that God will work it out. If the ability to pay bills is not apparent, then it must not be God's will for us. But, HELLO! The ability to pay our bills is not apparent here in Fresno right now either. So what does that mean? It's not God's will for us to stay here either?

I'm so weary. This search for our "path" is so tiring. At what point do we just get jobs at McDonalds or wherever will hire us?

We are hanging on to a thread of hope still. Not the hope in the big picture. We have a firm grasp on that hope. I mean the hope that the path will just appear before us, that the perfect plan will be revealed, and that it won't involve taking "a" job, but rather "the" job that was meant for us. Is it OK to keep hoping for that?

So, faith is being sure of what we hope for, but isn't that really talking about the big picture hope, rather than the day-to-day hope? I don't know... I think faith is required to be sure of both kinds of hope.

At this moment I feel sure of very little...
(Thanks for letting me ramble.)

What's withering away?

Some of the house plants are dying. They are in the living room where we spend most of our time. One sits about 3 or 4 feet from the stupid TV that gets stared at a lot. Yet, there it sits dying. It hasn't been tended to as it should have. It didn't get watered many times. I wonder how many other things in my life are dying due to neglect, even though they are right under my nose...