An Existential Meltdown

I grew up with the notion that God and his angels started off all happy up in heaven, and then one day one angel decided he was as good as God and ruined everything. He chose to go against God and evil was born. He was banished to hell, along with anyone who followed him. From then on there were the Trinity and the good angels in heaven, and Lucifer became "the devil," or Satan, and had all his fallen angels, also known as demons, with him in hell.

Hmm. I'm thinking that's not really how it all went down, but the more I study the more confused I get.

It seems that the name "Lucifer" is the Latin translation of "Morning Star" or "Day star" referenced in Isaiah 14:12 which is a taunt directed to the king of Babylon. (Read Isaiah 14.)

But then this same term is used in 2 Peter 1:19: "And we have the word of the prophets made more certain, and you will do well to pay attention to it, as to a light shining in a dark place, until the day dawns and the morning star rises in your hearts."

And again in Revelation 22:16 : "I, Jesus, have sent my angel to give you this testimony for the churches. I am the Root and the Offspring of David, and the bright Morning Star."

So Jesus claims to be the Morning Star, which in Latin is Lucifer? That's confusing.

Also, I always blamed evil on Satan (Lucifer). He was the one who became evil and now taunts humans and causes all kinds of evil in the world, right? But John 1:1-3 says: "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning.
Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made."

So, nothing that has ever been made was made apart from God, including sin and evil?
Maybe someone who has more knowledge can shed more light on this for me.

And what about Beelzebub (aka Ba'al Zebûb, Lord of Things That Fly, Lord of the Flies), the deity that was being worshiped and was called "the prince of demons" by the Pharisees in Matthew 12:24: "But when the Pharisees heard this, they said, "It is only by Beelzebub, the prince of demons, that this fellow drives out demons."

Why do we assume these are all the same-- the serpant, Satan, the Morning Star or Day Star or Lucifer, Beelzebub?

I know so little. Maybe none of it matters. Maybe it matters a lot. I don't know. But can I blame the origins of evil on "the enemy" or was it just God's plan all along that it would exist? I'm not sure. But it does exist. I believe that God is the victor and in Him I will be too. I believe that God loves us all very much and we are to love like Him. But it's all very confusing to me right now...

And so it goes

That day at Abundant Life Chapel I met the Holy Spirit and I never was the same.  When I got home that day I was very excited to tell my parents what happened.  Unfortunately, at that time, my father was not as open as he is now, and I got what felt like a lecture on "Emotionalism" and it's lack of importance in church.  I was crushed and angry.  I didn't buy into what he said.  I thought God created emotions, why not use them to worship him?  I was increasingly unhappy at my church where the only movement I saw during worship was standing and turning hymnal pages and then sitting again.  I attended ALC many more times before Monica and I switched schools and saw each other less and less.  But I'll never ever forget the love her family showed me.  I would say perhaps their love and acceptance was what kept me from being frightened and turned off by what I saw at their church.  I knew I was safe with them.

After I graduated from High School I went through some bad times with God and life (maybe I'll talk about all that another day), but found myself back in church seeking more from God.  I knew that what I had been doing all my life was not satisfying me.  I have told people that I knew all about God, but didn't actually get to know God until I turned 18 and left my parents' church and sought Him on my own.  I visited a Vineyard or 2, I attended a Calvary Chapel for a little bit, but I ended up at People's Church in their college group under Mike Chastain.  There I went through some major growth and exploration of the Trinity.  It was a wonderful time of life.  I began to learn about the gifts of the spirit and their use in the body.  I was prophesied over there and told that God would use my life experience (which was greater than it should have been by then) by giving me the gift of discerning spirits.  I really had no idea at that time what that really meant, and now only know a fraction of what it means, but I believe that to be true.  It goes along with the prophetic for me.  I was prayed over by my friends who were so gung-ho and full of zeal.  They prayed that I would be given the gift of tongues.  They encouraged me to speak it out, but it didn't happen for me.  There have been a few times when I have felt like there was something strange on the tip of my tongue, waiting to be spoken, but it has not happened for me yet.  If God wants to do that with me he can...  

While attending there I still felt torn.  As I look back now it was almost a battle over my life.  I was falling deeply in love with God and made the mistake of thinking I was ready for love on earth as well.  Then my focus turned to a guy.  I felt like I was being pulled from one end by God and another end by my emotions and lust.  I can talk more about that later.

Eventually, I ended up looking to God to meet my needs.  I ended up back in an MB church, which was just crazy to me.  But in my defense it was a contemporary plant that looked nothing like the church I grew up in.  It had a worship band.  This is where Chris and I met again.  (We went to High School together but he was focused on someone else.  If you have been at TFH you may have heard his story.)  Anyway, I still hadn't learned my lesson and we ended up pregnant and engaged and looking for a new place to worship that had young families like we were.  Chris had heard about a place called The Father's House that an old friend had been attending, so we thought we'd go and give it a try.  As we were  driving up we agreed, "If we see one couple that's our age and has kids we'll stay here at this church."  As soon as we said this I turned and looked at the entrance as Todd and Melanie Anderson were walking up with their daughter....

I will continue this story tomorrow.  :)

The Holy Spirit Says Hello

So I went to Abundant Life Chapel with the Daniels family.  (I don't remember if this was 8th grade or 9th grade.)  Since Charlie was the worship leader we went early for worship team practice.  They had a band and a choir.  Shirley, Monica's mom, was an alto like me and Monica was a soprano.  They asked if I wanted to sing with them in the choir.  I was a little shocked, but said, "Sure!"  I sat next to Shirley and followed along with her strong and beautiful alto voice.  It was a lot of fun.  So we practiced and then put on robes and took our places on stage.  (I don't remember every detail, but this is how it went in general.)  So the service started and we sang a song or two and people were raising hands and singing out to God and swaying in the isles (all of which was not the norm in my MB church), then all of a sudden a woman sitting with the congregation stood up and spoke in tongues in a loud voice so everyone could hear.  I had never heard anything like it in my life.  It was odd and wonderful.  Then when she sat down, it was quiet for a minute.  Then someone else stood up and interpreted the word from the Lord.  I was amazed.  The words were loving and called to his children to come to him.  I was overwhelmed with the feeling of what I now know as the Holy Spirit filling me and swirling around me.  I was brought to tears.  I tried hard to continue to sing with the choir and hold back my emotion since I was in front of the whole congregation.  But I was completely overwhelmed by God.

I will continue sharing my journey next time.

Tell me what to do God....

I was writing to a friend just now and realized that I was just pouring out my thoughts and decided I could just post that here.  It is my dilemma for the day, week, month, year....

I graduate next semester with my BA in Art.  I could be done and go look for whatever lame job I can find here in Fresno.  Or I could do a masters program at CSUF.  That's affordable, but the Art program is really lame.  I could do a different program, but I haven't found one there that excites me.  What I really would do if money were no issue would be to go to seminary here in Fresno and do the Marriage, Family and Children Counseling MA program and get certified to be a therapist.  The program is I think like $25,000.  I could get some grants and scholarships but would probably rack up at least $20,000 in debt.  This is on top of the $20,000 I already have from stupid decisions and being poor and living on school loans years ago.  So if I'm going by logic I have to ask myself if the debt is really worth it.  I'm leaning toward yes.  I think my income would triple if I became a therapist vs. getting a job with my art degree.  BUT it's scary.  I want to buy a house someday and I don't want to live in debt forever.  So the thought of all that debt is overwhelming.  If I knew that God wanted me to do that, and would take care ot it for me, then I could walk into it without guilt.  I just don't hear anything right now.  No yes and no no.  I looked into the CSUF Psych or Counseling degrees, but the programs in the catalog are vague and confusing.  Plus I really want to go to seminary for the biblical study and application to the degree program.  I really want to counsel froma strong biblical perspective.  I would not get this at CSUF.  I would have to try to get that part on my own if I went there.

SO, it sounds like I know what I want to do.  I just need to know God is saying it's OK for me to do...